I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
