dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize