My hand turned me down
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
