shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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