you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
how does that bad decision feel?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
