I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
