Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
