highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
