he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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