Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
