Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
