Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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