well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
