eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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