since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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