i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize