2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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