I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
