you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My pussy is not your playground.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
