Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
