So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
