i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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