fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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