So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
