How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
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