Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
