my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
