rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize