Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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