I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
