I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
