I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
