a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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