dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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