You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
that's an acceptable place to lick
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
