his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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