alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
