My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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