there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
