I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
