And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
