dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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