my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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