even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
