The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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