miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
