1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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