She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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