I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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