Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
