My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
