I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
