At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
