Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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