just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
