You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
