It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
