did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
