She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
