we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
