I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Randomize
