who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
