so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
