my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize