My Higher Power is John Stamos
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
