He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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