just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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