i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
