I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
