I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
